I haven’t been here in a while haven’t I? Was too lazy to anyway, and I don’t see the point of coming here when I have nothing (besides mindless jrock ramblings) to say. It’s been pretty blank hasn’t it. Plus I don’t think I’m very interested in knowing what’s going on in other people’s lives either, sadly.
I’m kinda bummed out because with this entry that I’m writing, I’m pushing down one of my favourite entries in this blog off the page D: yeah I know that’s an old entry written a few months ago but it is one of my faves! well, anything gazette that gets pushed off this page makes me upset. So screw this! Hah.
Yesterday night I was up watching a few gazette lives till the wee hours of the morning. In case you haven’t, you should! So I shall be pimping the entries that contain them. Click
HERE and
HERE. I could spend the whole night watching them over and over again! Live performances of songs like Discharge, Maggots, Carry?, the $ocial Riot Machine$ and Nausea & Shudder get me going almost insane in the middle in the night. There’s something about the music, the drum beats, the bass lines, the guitar riffs and the power that’s surging through the performance that makes my adrenaline pump through me wildy. It (momentarily) makes me alive. Watching the lives make my heart race rapidly and my body tells me that I HAVE to do SOMETHING now but I don’t know what. I don’t exactly feel like getting up and running about, nor do I feel like thrashing stuff around me, nor do I feel like headbanging, nor do I feel like screaming and shouting, nor do I feel like I need to get my ass over to japan and be there to watch every single action in their rock concert, nor do I feel like crying yet ironically, I feel like doing ALL of the above because I just can’t find the right thing to do now that will hit exactly at the right spot, to fufill my emotions (if that even made sense). Because, I think the only thing that will make me satisfied and make this unsettling feeling go away is to be up there on their stage, and be PLAYING their music. (have you seen the way they rock?) 'Cause by doing that you are having the uppermost hand, in control of the music, and definitely way crazier than the people headbanging down there cause you're playing it. To be in their place, play out music like that, to rock the house down, to feel like you have boundless energy to hurl out to the people, to have that ability to make everyone go wild at your feet is the only way to release everything that I’m trying to hold back now. Only that is of equal worth to what I’m feeling.
But that’s a different story, that’ll never happen as it reminds me of how I threw away things I shouldn’t have--like learning music. I quit because I was too young to understand, too young to know better. In fact, I threw so many things away along my path of growing up to be who I am now. All because I didn’t know better. And it’s fucked because I don’t have the courage to pick them up again. Big dreams, big goals, big spirit, Gazette were in the dirtiest, lowest ditch of their musical career before PSC picked them up and transformed them to who they are now. Well, they kept believing, and it happened. But how often does that happen? As far as I know my whole life I’ve been trying to believe in something, but nothing ever happens besides wave after waves of let downs and disappointment until such a point I think, maybe it’s time to stop bothering, to stop giving a shit about things that actually mean something, forget everything else, and only hold on to the rare few that give me an escape route to a temporary realm.
But you know, this isn’t about Gazette, nor is this about me wanting to pursue a career or a direction in music, nor is this about me secretly wanting to be a rock star (if that's what you're thinking HAHA). No. Definitely NOT a post about me trying to find my direction or aspirations that I have given up. Why should I lament about what I've given up or why I can't seem to do what I really want to do when I can't even answer questions about my whole purpose of existence. I'm not fit to think about those question just yet when I can't even figure out myself because i'm just too bored to think or care much. This is about me… trying my very best to sort out my thoughts because I think I left them somewhere behind.
Everyday I go to school (just cause I have to) feeling bored, tired, sick of life. Like I have no more left to give. Recently there have been situations where friends ask me ‘do you remember the time when we went out and you did something totally funny?’ or ‘do you remember yourself saying this when I first got to know you?’
No I don’t remember, I say.
And when teachers ask me, ‘tell me something interesting about your life, like what you really want to do, what do you really feel strongly about, where do you want to go from here, what other things do you see in your life, something memorable.”
Nothing, I have no idea, I say. I can’t come up with anything more unless I start to lie.
My parents asked me before over dinner, the rare times we went out as a whole family and ate. They, who know little about my life now cause they obviously don’t know ridiculously stupid things about me and my life that they ought to know, tried to small talk and asked me ‘So do you miss those old days? What was that thing you said before that you wanted to do? Anything you really like or want?
No, don’t remember, nothing.
And then somehow I receive questions about myself like ‘so tell me about yourself, what are you really proud of? Your accomplishments, your talents, and be honest.’
All I could offer was a blank stare. Nothing really, no big accomplishments, I feed on cheap thrills and no talents because I don’t think I was ever good at anything even if I tried; I was never good enough. And honestly? I indulge in self-loathing.
How awesome is it to realize that I’ve been through 16 years of my life, not remembering things that I ought to remember and not feel strongly about anything? Every week I look back and I don’t know what I did. I don’t know what I’ve been doing for the past 16 years and I don’t care I don’t care I don’t care. Wait, I think I used to remember, but during the recent years I accidentally threw them all out the window.
One of my goals, even right till this moment, was for me to become more and more apathetic, because I wish that I could stop caring so much, stop feeling so much because it never did me any good. I think I succeeded, because along the way when I tried to forget only the unpleasant things, I forgot everything else. I left friends behind, people whom I used to care about behind, left all my thoughts and the little means of expression I have with me behind, and tried leaving all my feelings behind so that I could be hollow, and preserve myself for the day when I really start to live my own life, to create my own memories that I really want to keep. Along the way I unknowingly emptied myself till the way I am now. I’m not totally void, but sometimes I think I’m a wreck.
Even now, if you gave me a chance to go back and pick everything/everyone I left behind, I don’t know if I’d rush back to collect them all. I don’t know if I’d hesitate, I don’t think I’m even able to make a decision. I know they mean something, but I don’t know if I want them. I think that most people and things out there are all out to hurt me in the end. Instead, I invest time, sweat, blood, the little care I have into people/things that would never return the same feelings, at least I know they won’t hurt/disappoint me, and keeping a distance like this is safe. Like people who never will be there. Like people who are there, but I end up pushing them away anyways to protect them from myself. You must be thinking that I’m crazy.
My mind is blank, it’s getting harder and harder to force thoughts out from me, it’s getting harder to even think because it’s become normal for me to coax myself into ignoring things and not bother thinking much about them anymore. Even if people ask me the simplest (random/general) questions, I don’t have any answer to offer. I don’t know how to live a life being too apathetic--I don’t think anyone can--yet I feel the safest and the most protected when I’m apathetic.
So I shall keeping watching Gazette’s lives till I’m contented, because my heart is racing (and it feels good), and its actually telling me to do something. A sudden burst of energy comes in the middle of the night, the itch for me to imagine and think about what could I have done and what will I do with this life of mine. They’re hurling millions of questions at me, every single one of them a strike at the heartstrings yet at a speed too fast to vividly make out what the question is. Ruki (the awesome vocalist) is shrieking in my ear, as though telling me to go back and pick up all that I’ve thrown away, the people who I’ve left behind, and to let go of all the feelings I’ve tried so hard to hold back. Just release.
But because I’ve already said that I’ve tried so hard now,
So I can’t,
I can’t,
I just can’t.
What was that quote again? ‘Sometimes we put up walls not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to knock them down.' Damn, I forgot who wrote that. As far as I know, this sentence means something to me.
Maybe I’m just dying to see Reita. Everytime I feel like I need to see him play his bass live yet I don’t know how long I have to wait before I can go, I have the urge to get my ears pierced. If I did have a gun with me now, I should have about 293692340 piercings. No I’m not sadistic nor do I like inflicting pain on myself. I just want to get my ass out of this stinking place and. watch. them. live. For now, may I emphasize, it’s the only thing that’s pushing me forward. That maybe someday, I just need to do ONE thing that will make me feel like I’m on top of the world and that I own all you puny ass faces out there. Stop feeling that I’m stuck in a ditch and happy to be in there.
I love nights when I start to think this way. Didn’t mean for this entry to turn out like this though. This is going to be the rare times anyone’s actually going to read something so personal about me. Thanks to Gazette. I think I just wrote the most honest and the best prose ever, yay for (rare!) optimism! Kudos to those who managed to read through this whole chunk, you’ve just learnt so MUCH more.
